42) The middle of the night phone call nobody wants. 15th July

 Lying inside a 60ft narrowboat, trying to get comfortable on the sofa which transitions to something which looks, vaguely, with a good imagination, like a bed, but feels like a heap of lumpy bricks where you can fall down the gap between the 2 sofa cushions, I was trying to get to sleep. I'd more or less dozed off. My daughter, Robin was next to me as my other half had 'given up trying to sleep on the bloody thing' after the first night where he kept rolling downhill into me, giving me about a foot of space and various bits of his body parts warming my back during the night and Robin, being the kind soul she is, offered him her bed. She'd also picked up on my edginess after the last rites text of 2 days before.

1.48am, my phone rang.

Shit!

The darkness of the boat lit up with the Ski Sunday theme tune ring tone ringing loud and proud.

I knew!

It was the call everyone dreads and the call I'd been anticipation for over a year - when will it be? What will it say? Who will it come from? I was about to get those questions answered. 'HOSPITAL' my phone said - I'd programmed the number a year back as all calls from the whole hospital come from the same number.

I knew!

'Hello, I this Izabelle?' said a young, gentle, female voice.

'Yes' I said, scrambling to my knees on the bed to hear her better. Shit, shit, shit. Robin leaped up from her sleep to hug me. In the quiet of the boat she could hear everything. We hugged, we listened.

'It's the staff nurse from ward C7, I'm so sorry but Dad has just passed away!' She told me she was at the desk outside his solo ward, where he'd been for the past 3 days and she'd noticed his breathing had changed so she went in to see and 'he'd gone'. 

Just like that, there he was - gone.

Shit!

What now? What're you supposed to do when you're 4 days from your car by boat and about 40 miles away by road, its 1.48am. Even if you were to get a taxi at that time I didn't know where to look for one or where to send it, or even if the marina where my car was would be open. Not only that but there was also a 3 hour drive home on top.

And he was already dead.

Robin and I went outside for some air - it seemed the right thing to do - we grabbed our quilts and sat on the front of the boat, in the pitch blackness of the English countryside night, with a million stars reflecting off the inky water. We sat, we hugged, we cried.

After just over two hours we went back inside and watched the dawn rise over the water through the window. It was a sunrise my dad wouldn't see. He'd never see any dawn ever again. 

And there was nothing I could do.

And no-one I could tell. Ant had to be the first one I told. News as such travels fast so I couldn't risk telling anyone until Ant knew and he had told me many times he didn't want to be told in the middle of the night as he has difficulty sleeping.

I rang him at 7.30am. 'Hi Ant, How're you?'

'OK at the moment, until you've rung.' he said. He knew from the time I called.

'So sorry Ant, dad's gone.' my voice crumbled.

'Ah!' he said 'OK'. There was a short silence. 'I've finished cleaning the freezer now.' 

And we moved on.

At 2.30 in the afternoon I developed a bit of a stomach ache, mild at first, but it wouldn't go away. Fifteen minutes later I was sending my daughter to get the bloke out of the bathroom as I need to use it FAST. I'm sure you don't want the details but I was firing on both cylinders D&V city. It was awful. I even lay on the boat bathroom floor which usually I avoid at all costs while my stomach decided which route it wanted to rid its contents. It chose both. The sweat was pouring off me and I felt bad.

I staggered out of the bathroom and collapsed on the bed. Robin found me and I said I thought I may need to see someone. I though at one point I was going to follow dad out of there. The thought that someone may have decided it was a good idea to have a joint funeral gave me the will to fight.

Robin called 111 and they decided to send an ambulance. This meant pulling the boat to somewhere identifiable so it knew where to go.

Meanwhile, I was sat on the loo. Boat toilets are vile at the very best, all the waste gets stored in the bottom of the boat in a tank, which usually needs draining every week or two depending on usage. The smell is vomit inducing and this one right then was worse than most. As I flushed again in an attempt to leave the room to lie down, it chose that moment to decide it was full and backed right up to the rim with a mixture of all the contents from the tank. Vile vile vile. Then as a gastro bug goes, I had to go again. Not having the strength to hover, and having no other option... I will not distress your imagination any more.

The Marina was amazing and let us moor up by the entrance, they sent word to the reception for when the ambo arrived and let us use the pump out device even though they were officially closed. Boat pump outs cost about £15 for a token for 8 minutes.  Five minutes is usually enough to empty a tank but they give 8 to be sure. 

The guy doing the pump was shocked how much flowed out. He said there was no way the boat had been emptied from the previous hirers. It was still emptying when the timer ran out at 8 minutes.  That was OK though, current crisis averted and we only had a few days left anyway.

The ambulance came about an hour later - by now I had no idea of time. They took my stats and declared me 'in all probabilities not about to die', despite my fears. They said they wanted to take me in ideally, but it was probably not in the best interest of the seriously ill patients at the hospital as I was probably contagious. They left, telling me to drink flat Lucozade and lots of water. I stayed in bed. The family confined me to the one room and spoke to me from the other side of the door for 24 hours. They thought I had somehow ingested some food poisoning bug or maybe some canal water.

I felt like I'd lost an argument with a horse.

Great!  Happy holidays all.

The day was somewhat subdued with my family giving me a wide berth, but all considered, it was a fairly normal day

41) Is this it or is there more 13th July

 

Since June last year, I have been reluctant to book any holiday or go anywhere for fear dad becomes worse or passes away while I'm away. Family and friends etc can see the pressures I have to deal with and all have said I need a break. I've missed the ski season now so I can't do my main stress relief thing by hammering down a snow covered mountain. As I have a family of 5 adults (2 in uni), holidaying abroad is expensive. So, for the past 5 years we have hired on of the narrowboats above for a week and cruised down one of England/Wales many canals. Kids love it (OK they're young adults) and it's family time we don't often get together. It's relaxing as the boats only do about 4mph and all there is to do is chill and read and operate the occasional lock while chugging down the canal - perfect! Usually!

Everyone told me - Iz! you should go! So, with a lot of thought (well at least a bit of thought), I went. After all he'd been diagnosed over a year ago, what could possibly go wrong?

As it happens - a lot!

It works like this; We hire a narrowboat somewhere in advance. It is usually 6 berth, this is fine for the whole family - 4 real beds and a convertable pull out jobby when you convert the couch... like sleeping on bricks but hey ho, - go with the flow - it's only a week. We drive up to the marina - usually 3 hours drive away, with 2 cars - we need 2 cars with the luggage and the family. This year there were 6 of us as our son took his girlfriend along.

We park the cars for the week, load the boat and off we go for a week of gentle narrowboating. We sail for 3.5 days, find a wide bit, turn around and sail back the same way, 3.5 days. Simple.

However...

On day 2, I got a text, forwarded from one of the ladies at dad's church. The minister had been to see dad and had given him the last rites, prayed with him, and recited a psalm - sounded a bit - well a bit of a big step. The minister had asked for details to be forwarded to me and Ant. Again nothing from the hospital - wasn't this a huge step?  I worried. I Googled. People can have the last rites but remain alive for a few weeks or even in some cases recover completely. It didn't sit right with me though. We were now about 25 miles from the car and pointing the wrong way. 

What if...

I couldn't speak to mates - I was on a boat with very little signal for my phone and even less wifi. My family told me to chill. 'It'll be fine.' they said.

They were wrong!

40) Panic! 8th July 2026 The final countdown

Dad's Bedroom. There are 3 bedrooms in his house, and 2 bathrooms, a kitchen,  a study, a shed. a garage, a greenhouse and a huge living room... ALL like this.

Before I move on to today's post the picture above is what I looked at yesterday. That is I looked at it then shut the door. It is his bedroom, where he slept, every night. Much as I don't think he will ever be able to live there again, there is still the little distant niggly gremlin in my head 'What IF he wants to see his house for the last time... and I've thrown something important out?'  I wasn't able to make a dent. I half think he is so close but Mr What IF keeps keeps creeping in. I left it as it was and tried to make a dent in the living room.

The company I work for occasionally take all of it's staff out for a team building meal out at a local pub and Wednesday 8th July we were all out when I got a call from the hospital. I went outside to take it. The man introduced himself as the doctor who'd been looking after dad. He went on to say he had been on holiday for the past week and since he'd come back, he was shocked at the rapid deterioration he'd noticed in him. He wanted to know when I last visited. I told him 3 days before. He asked had I noticed - I had.  Having finally got dad's doctor on the phone I was reluctant to let him go. I said I would come to the ward right away to speak with him.

I left my team meal, telling my colleague who had come outside for a cigarette, what had happened so she could alert the others. It was a cursedly hot day and I opened both car doors to cool the car down before I got in. I then drove off with my rear car door open. I sure am losing the plot.

After I safely got to the hospital, I tried to speak to the doctor. He stepped out from the desk he was at and we stood in the middle of the corridor, doing some kind of weird waltz, as nurses and staff and patients and the coffee lady and all-sorts rushed past in all directions - 'scuse me, sorry, sorry, can I just, sorry, just a minute', while he told me he thought dad only had weeks to go, not months and they were going to transition to palliative care and put dad on a morphine drip to manage his pain. The doctor was softly spoken and also had a foreign accent which I struggled to understand. The most difficult conversation, in what appeared to be the middle of the medical equivalent of the M25.

I went to see dad after the conversation with the doctor, he wasn't really there in mind. He was gripping the side bars of the bed and clearly in pain. He had the adult nappy thing they had put on him since he had been admitted, and which I'd assumed was for emergency leakage. He was trying to get out of bed over the side bars and I wasn't sure I could stop him, a dreadful smell appeared so I asked the nurse if we could help him get to the toilet. She looked at me and said 'Oh no - he isn't allowed to do that as he's too unstable. I'll change him now.' She scuttled behind the curtain and I heard him shouting in pain. I couldn't watch for his dignity and for myself.

I sat with him afterwards and he tried to pull the sheet over himself. I helped him but he didn't seem to know what I was doing.

About ten minutes later, Ant arrived with one of his friends from the church who had taken him is as he doesn't drive. I briefly greeted them both but left quickly as I was so upset.
 

39) 6th July - The freezer beats me to having a full on breakdown. Meet the Meat from 1991

 

A label from the frozen meat in the bottom of the freezer.

No nefarious activities have taken place but I need to dispose of a large quantity of rotten flesh... quickly. A certain person had a new chest freezer in about 1987 and it finally retired during last week's hot spell. Just finally gave up. Poof! Gone. Forget this, goodbye. Food waste day isn't until a week Friday.  The freezer, which lived in the shed was full of meat. 

The above ham were a 1991 vintage. Everything else is of unknown ancestry although had it not ended up in the chest freezer would probably be great x 50 grandparents by now. 

The council won't take it. Ant can't drive. I don't want green slimey meat in my car. Using the food waste bin which is about the size of a shoebox will take forever and every day the meat will attract flies and worse. 

I wondered whether i could take some into the countryside and dump it. After all when wild.animals die, other animals eat them. However when I mentioned this to someone they said it would harm animals and that's the last thing they need. Also saying there was a murder in the vicinity I would not wish to become embroiled.

AFter Ant mentioned to me that dad's freezer was 'on the blink'. I suggested he keep a close eye on it - It is at least 35 years old, and is a huge chest type freezer, where the top lid opens and it appears things at the bottom can be missed, staying there for a long time - the space is big enough for a body - should you need to keep one in there... just sayin' so you get an idea of size.

The freezer has lived in the shed ever since I can remember, as did its predecessor. The shed, being jam packed full of 'stuff' - an 8 foot x 10 foot insulated wooden shed which was brought after an outside broadcast by the BBC many moons ago, has stood there since I was a child - we are talking a looong time ago. I am not sure if it is the same freezer or if it was replaced by a similar one many moons ago.

Anyway, said freezer, with perfect timing, decided its time had come and was blowing hot and cold. Permanently worried about a fire, I told Ant to leave the shed door open, keep a close eye on it and if anything by the plug looked too hot, to rescue the butter and recent stuff but the meat would have to go out. Ant put 27 packs of butter in the under-counter fridge in the house. He said there was a funny smell in the freezer.

Shit! 

The following day he checked it and said it was barely cold, the smell was worse and it was definitely broken.

Double shit!

I told him to unplug it then. The meat would have to go. I said to leave all the pre-packed sealed meat for now but get out things in trays like chicken and sausages, put them in food bags and we would put them in the food waste. However the food waste collection wasn't until 5 days time.

Triple shit with fly topping...

He said the smell was awful so I suggested put a plank of wood to stop the lid closing and air it out a bit an put old newspaper in the bottom to soak up any moisture. And shut the shed door.

The next day Ant said there were lots of flies in the shed.

...

Luckily a family friend from the church had come to visit Chris and she got all gloved up and stuck in and helped Ant get the meat in the food waste bins. The council had luckily delivered the 2nd food bin I had requested. Julie suggested line the bin with a food bag at the bottom and put the meat in. Ant did this and the meat went out for the bin men.

When Ant returned home later that day, he saw the sausages had adhered to the bottom of the bin and the stench was stomach churning as the temperature had been in the 30s. Flies everywhere.  When I held my breath and looked in the bin, it was clear Ant had just put the food bag at the bottom. but not the sides so the sausages had made a huge disgusting lump inside the bin. And it would now have to wait until next week to go out. We got gloves and double bagged the sausages with a chicken something and tied it and put it sealed in the food bin. Slimy and vile. We put it at the bottom of the garden.

As we tried to clear up the wrapping the meat had been in, Ant noticed the label above. note the expiry date of the meat - dad's writing says it was 1991 - THIRTY FIVE years old. I have no doubt had dad found it and had a dog, he would have tried to give it to the poor animal. I am grateful (and sure as hell the potential dog ) would be grateful that he didn't have a dog. The meat had apparently been put there fresh the day the freezer was bought... (or maybe 'fresh' from the predecessor freezer).

We have managed to get rid of all the meat and the freezer is stuck at the back of the shed with no space to bring it out via the 1 ft gap dad had left to get to it.

38) 4th July. Emotions running high but dad's still sleeping

Above is what happens when you have a carpet fitted in 1977 and put something on it and leave it there... for 49 years. Moth patch, where generations of moths have thrived, and the original colour (bleugh) where no daylight has been also for 49 years.

 

I opened some of dad's post which I have with me to sort for him, and even though I tried to pay his credit card, by the time I had paid it, it was 1 day late and despite realising this at the time and having the conversation with the staff and them agreeing not to charge interest, you guessed it, there was £1,06 interest. The £1.06 interest isn't the issue. If I could just tap something and be done with it, I would.

However as I am paying by power of attorney, I have to call the bank, wait 5 minutes to hear all the 'it's easier if you go online bullshit (no it isn't or I would have done it that way), before I can get through and then a million security questions. I rang them and there was a wait, so the answer machine told me, of up to 20 minutes.

I've never been a patient type and right now my tolerance for anything which makes life more difficult than it has to be, is about a minus 10. In short I had a mini breakdown. Tears running down my face, snot the works. Just as I had been holding for 15 minutes, my phone told me Ant was calling me. I tried to be flash by putting the first call on hold and telling Ant I was on the other line so could he hang up please and I would be there in a minute. Ant tried to talk to me regardless and so I had to hang up on him. However, being the techno-idiot I am, I managed to drop both calls.

I cried some more, had a coffee and drove to see Ant. My partner, who has kept away from me and the house as much as possible, was watching tv, so I asked him if he wanted to come over with me for a drive. To my surprise, he did.

As we drove up the road to the house, Ant scurried out. He said 'I know why you're both here. It's OK.'

He was looking very worried. I wasn't sure what he meant. 

'Dad's dead.' he said.

'What!.' I asked. 'What - did the hospital call you?'

'No, but when you were on the phone earlier, I thought you were on the phone to the hospital, and because you're both here, I guessed he's dead.'

Hell.

No he wasn't dead. However Ant's autism makes him way overthink things and he had convinced himself that dad must be dead.

Note to self - be careful what you say.

We went to visit dad and he doesn't really know what's going on- he's only partly conscious and I'm not sure he recognises me. As he was awake, he was trying to tell me something and I didn't understand as he was mumbling and it made no sense. 'Dad. Do you know where you are?' I asked.

'Cardiff.' he said. So he is there sort of. He's now had his bed pushed against a wall with a blue crash mat next to the bed and they have padded the side bed rails. Again he was asking for me to cover his feet. They were covered but he wasn't aware of this.  Perhaps he was trying to protect his dignity as currently he is dressed in a hospital gown due to the extreme heat we are having here. I noticed they put him in an adult nappy - I assume in case of accidents as he has fallen twice on the way to the toilet and had to go for brain scans each time. The staff are very busy and when he's got to go, he's got to go. I guess accidents are inevitable.

I held his hand and gave him a kiss before I left, trying hard not to break down with Ant there.

As we were leaving the hospital, Ant said 'I think dad's freezer is on the blink...'

36) 30th June - He has kept EVERYTHING. He isn't faring well and neither am I.

 While dad's been in hospital, I've made a start on sorting the ENORMOUS amount of paper in his house. It's apparent he's kept every letter, every bank statement, every envelope, every bit of junk mail, every receipt, every lidl magazine, every cereal box, every serviette, every newspaper, that's come into the house since 1959. 

Each bank statement or update or anything is still in its individual envelope. Each envelope is covered in dust or has a nasty stain or an embedded dead spider or something equally unpleasant. All the paperwork stinks of his house.  Now my happy place stinks of his house. My family are complaining and I need an industrial shredder to replace my small one which has almost burned out.

Various people have visited dad over the past few days and I've had different reports of how he's doing from 'He's OK' to 'He was loud' to 'he was a little confused.'

Visiting is 2 til 4 or 6 til 8, avoiding tea time at about 5pm as they need the patients to eat with no disruptions. Dad is on a liquid diet anyway. I finish work at 4 and I work 15 minutes away so I have to either kill time or drive home and back.

I went in with Ant. Dad was asleep. I touched his hand gently and he looked at me confused and then at Ant. 'Ah Ant, thank you for coming yesterday and again today.' Ant hadn't - this was his first visit since he came with me Monday.

'I haven't got long left' he said. 'I know that.' then he went to sleep, moments later he perked up but was still asleep. 'HELLO,  HELLO,' he said, his face beaming as if he were talking to a long lost friend who he liked very much or to a small grandchild or something. Where's the dog?' He doesn't have a dog. 'I still want a dog you know.'

Will you help me off with these damn shoes - I need to lie down and get some sleep. Is somebody going to help me get these damn shoes off. I've been asking for an hour. He'd been asleep for the past 35mins and he was already lying down - he had no shoes on.

'Why do you keep waking me up?' he asked - I just need to get some sleep. 

He was talking a whole load of twaddle to be fair. He made no sense and then he said, 'Why are you just standing there like a lemon?'

I asked the nurse who said he'd been chatting earlier and he'd had breakfast and had walked himself to the toilet on his new zimmer frame. This was very unlike the man in front of me. Dad asked the nurse if she'd get his shoes off. She said he didn't have shoes on. He's having antibiotics in liquid form as he can't swallow the capsules. She sat him up to take it. The nurse said his blood pressure etc were all good. She left.

A moment later he said 'I need to go for a leak. Is someone going to help me?' We weren't sure if he meant it, but he then shouted it more urgently so we got the nurse for him and she took him. he used the zimmer but was very unsteady.

I took Ant home and took a few more boxes for sorting. It's now 2am and I've just finished 3 of the 6 boxes from today. He really has kept EVERYTHING paper from that house. See photos...

Some After Eight chocolates dated 2013

A Radio Times magazine Feb 2013

An event timetable from RMS Mauretania dated 24 Sept 1960

Oh no - we missed the deadline.

Comet folded YEARS ago.

37) 21 June 2026. The hospital called. Dads had a fall...

Today, according to the weather forecast, will be one of the hottest of the year. It's also Father's day. At 11.30am the hospital called to say dad had a fall last night going to the toilet. They've sent him for a brain scan. 

I'm not entirely sure what to do with this information. I'm glad they told me but it's yet another thing for me to worry about. 

One of his visitors who went in the following day told me he'd told her he'd been to his own funeral. Apparently it was a burial, on the ward. Interesting.

Maybe he was confused about the tunnel of light and thought he'd died and gone to heaven. 

Who knows what he's expecting and who knows where he'll be going. That's up to the big fella and I will have no part of it.

I went to visit on the following day and he

He is becoming very confused though and sleeping a lot of the time. 

I went again by myself on 25th June. I dragged the big heavy bedside chair up to the bed. He turned to look and gave me the type of smile one may give to a stranger one passes in the street when you accidentally catch their eye. Polite but no recognition. 'How are you?' I asked. Nothing. I repeated 'how are you?' He looked at me confused and said 'February?' 

'Are you OK?' I asked. He looked away and closed his eyes for a moment. 'Does this stop at the lake?' He said.

'No' I replied wondering what I should say.

'Ah' he closed his eyes for a moment. I watched him. 'Bring my little doggie to me' he said, brightening up and using an excited, happy tone reserved only for animals and small children who showed any interest in him.  He never used this tone for Ant or me. He fell back to sleep for a moment and had drifted away when the doctor came in. She introduced herself to me as dad was asleep. Then she tapped him lightly on the shoulder. Brian... BRIAN... Hello Brian'  he woke up and irritable eyeballed her. 'Who are you?' Hr said, not really bothered what the answer was.

'I'm Narinder and im a doctor!'

'What!'

She repeated.

'What?'

She leant a little closer to his ear and raised her voice just.slightly. 'I'm Narinder,,,'

He theatrically leaped in the air 'Ooohhh Don't Shout. ' he commanded.

'Sorry,' she said, and tried again. I'm Narinder and...'

'Right,' he said, interrupting her.

...'and I'm a DOCTOR...'

'Bully for you.' He said, with attitude, and closed his eyes. 

I mouthed a silent apology.

She, believing him not to be aware of what was being said, started a discussion with me about a nursing home. He was oblivious but I asked to go somewhere else as I was uncomfortable talking abut it in front of him. She then told me that if they thought he had less than 6 weeks to live, he would go to palliative care. If he had more than 6 he'd have to go to a nursing home. Nobody is willing to decide how long he has left so for now he stays there. 

The next morning I had a call to say they had found him on the floor after falling out of bed and had sent him for a brain scan. That's the 2nd fall he's had this month. They're still asking if they can maybe send him home.

I visited again 30th June. He was wide awake and said hello to me. Then he said 'djdhrhsjodkdkkanoo'. 

I looked at him confused and asked could he repeat himself.

He gave me his 'why the hell am I even thinking of communicating with this total imbecile' eye roll and said 'because if it isn't near Dobie's then there's no point going there is there.'

?

'Er right' I said, 'no.'  and we sat in silence for a few minutes.

'Jxdjdklkkhsgghblonsot' he said.

I looked at him, wondering what I should say.

He fell asleep again. 

It was pretty much like that the whole visit. I'm not sure he knew I was there.