Imelda comes round for tea - we have survived!

Saturday 30th December 2023 was a day I had been dreading for many, many weeks (even years). The family had all run out of excuses and after putting it off for the past 3 years due to Covid - 2020 and 2021 and the dreaded Green Monkey Disease in 2022 ... 'Yes Dad, sadly she has Green Monkey Disease and it's highly contagious and we'd HATE for you to catch it so perhaps later in the year would be better'...

So now it was that time again. Friends and colleagues had innocently asked whether I was inviting my dad to dinner on Christmas Day.  Much as these enquiries gave me a huge guilt trip, all things considered, I had to put the feelings of my own family first and our mental health, and everything else. I wasn't about to have to be digging up the patio on Christmas Day. He isn't their favourite person - (so many reasons, so little time to explain). He went to the Salvation Army for his Christmas day Dinner with Ant, my brother. Yes, I did feel bad about this but my own family have to come first. I know there are folk who will judge me on this but if you know the full truth (Diary of a Hoarder's Daughter) maybe you would be half way towards understanding.

He called on the phone the day before 'When would you like us to be ready for the meal?' He managed to make it sound like he was doing me a favour and the way he called it a meal he made it sound like something he was entitled to and I was there to facilitate it.

So I went to collect them both from their house - 7 miles from mine. I didn't want him driving over the mountain in this weather in the dark to somewhere he has only ever been twice before (even though we have lived here 2.5 years now and he still drives).  All the way there the weather was clear. The second I pulled outside his house a torrential rainstorm hit. Perhaps someone was trying to tell me something. He and Ant got in the car. Imelda with his tatty Lidl 5p carrier bag and we set off over the mountain to my place.

Before we got to the end of his road, he began telling me about his car insurance renewal - there had been an incident in Nov 2022 where, on a dark and stormy night (no, really) he was driving along and 'heard a bang you see'. He parked up some way up the road and walked back but couldn't see anything so got back in the car and drove home. He found his own wing mirror was hanging by a wire and assumed he'd hit something in the roadworks.

About 4 months later he had a call from his insurance company asking if he remembered being involved in an accident on that road... He told them it MAY have been him as he remembered a bang etc etc and he heard no more about it. His wing mirror was fixed and he forgot all about it.  I rang his insurer and discovered there is a £2800 reserve on it and was then cut off.  I will have to call them back.

He recently had his renewal notice through and it had increased £400. His NCD is protected but a claim was noted. He argued he never made a claim - I pointed out the other person may have claimed against him. He was adamant there was no other car. He wants me to sort this out so despite him knowing full well that I worked in the underwriting department of 2 major car insurance companies for over 10 years, he doesn't choose to understand nor believe a word I say. I therefore have to go around calling his insurance company as he can't hear them. I have to go to his house to do this because I do not have power of attorney ('yes', he had often said, - 'that could be a good idea one day'). Until then, every time he has an issue with ANYTHING, I have to do a 14 mile round trip to sort it out.

We drove home to mine through the torrential rain and parked up. On entering the house I heard a huge 'Oh fukkit here we go' from the kitchen.

To be fair the kids made an effort despite their requests all week for me to say they were out/sick/left home. They all made the effort to make conversation. However for the first 20 minutes Imelda sat in silence on the sofa fiddling with his hearing aid. (It had been so long since he used it the batteries had gone dead). With 2 cards of 6 hearing aid batteries on his lap.  He tried one battery after another until 11 had been used and found to be dead.  The packs had probably been hanging around since 2014 when he first had the hearing aid and were probably long out of date. Finally, we gave him a watch battery which worked.  Despite this, he spent the whole time we were eating in silence concentrating on eating every bite of his dinner. When we did try to involve.him in the conversation, he said 'Are you chatting to me?' 

Ant talked a lot - bless him - he doesn't get out much but Imelda didn't try to join in nor did he want to try to make conversation - apparently totally disinterested in anything we had to say despite not having seen his grandchildren in months. Then, after we had finished eating, he asked my son (his grandson) about his car. They had a long conversation about cars. He didn't ask the girls about anything at all, nor did he acknowledge they spoke to him.

He then went to get his tatty Lidl carrier bag - like he was Santa, about to pull out a beautifully wrapped  gift with ribbons and brightly coloured crispy paper from a sack - he pulled out a tatty box, badly and only partially wrapped in the exact same piece of well worn, now floppy, wrapping paper I had wrapped his gift in last year. Inside was the annual gift of a box of Foxes variety biscuits for me and my partner to share (in date - I know, right!). Attached was a card. He told me to open the card carefully as there was something inside 'for the kids' who were all still sitting around the table. Out of the card dropped three cheques - one for each of my daughters (age 18) and one for  my son (age 20). The girls had £20 each - my son had £25. Seeing this, the 3 cheques together but one for £5 more than the other two, I didn't know what to say - within 4 seconds of having the cheques, all the kids knew my son had been given £5 more than his sisters. Even he appeared to be embarrassed by this. mouthing 'sorry' to his sisters who were speechless that this had been done so blatantly, but too polite and somewhat embarrassed to call him out on it. It was a very welcome gift after all and shouldn't they be grateful to be given anything!?

Not even I knew what to say. I know they should be grateful he gave them anything and by no means should anyone feel entitled to receive anything. However, my kids are his only grandchildren and the fact he gave his grandson £250 towards driving lessons on his 18th birthday and his grand-daughters £18 each on theirs, was still raw in my mind. Was he seriously making a point he still, in 2023, believes boys are better than girls?  I have tried so hard to make sense of his actions and try to justify them in my head over the years but there are so many instances I can recall which suggests this us exactly what he thinks.  

We handed his gifts to him. 'Right!' he said, taking them and placing them in his carrier bag. It was as if this had completed the gift exchanging part of the ceremony and he was satisfied it had been performed correctly and to his satisfaction. No doubt he would open them.later at home where he could carefully take off the wrapping paper to use again next year for our biscuit selection box.

He then produced a pile of paperwork which he said he wanted me to see. Firstly his insurance documents which he insisted on telling me all about again and refusing to listen to me when I explained how insurance worked; that a claim against him was something he should have declared and listening to him say he hadn't claimed. - The fact I worked in Car insurance for 13 years meant nothing at all because I'm female so whatever I say can be dismissed as female rambling.  He wants me to call the company on Tuesday. 

Tired of arguing I agreed.  Then he brought out 2 envelopes on the reverse of which he had hand written a complaint to the hospital who had fined him for parking in a non-parking space in their car park. He reckons as he is 93 he should be let off as it is his first parking fine ever and the bay wasn't marked as not for parking in - he wants me to go to the hospital to take a photograph of the bay - even though there is a clear cctv photo attached to the letter - this means taking time out on a Saturday to go to get him to take him to the hospital to take the photos then take him back home. Then he wants me to type up the letter and send it to the hospital. My time and effort are expected not requested and definitely not appreciated.

Next was some letter from some company in USA who he is dealing with who need a reply to something by 5th January - by phone or online. I tried to go online and it said they would send sign in details by post which would take 10 days.  I will have to go to his house to call them as he can't make sense of the answering messages to press 1 for this and 2 for that.

At the end of the evening, while I was getting my coat and car keys to take them home, he was sat at the table with one of my daughters - who had made so much effort during the evening to be polite and civil to him and who has tried so hard always to be nice to him. He looked her straight in the eye and said 'I have a photo of your brother on my wall!'

That broke her heart - she didn't tell me until I got home - she had red eyes and that was the worst thing that I couldn't be there to console her. I don't know if it is worth all the stress any more. I know he is 93 and has been like that forever but I won't let him do this to my family as well as me. No more words :(

I took him back at about 9,30, my daughter coming over for the drive.  More so we could both 'vent it out' on the way back. I'm sure I heard a distinct cheer from inside the house after shutting the front door after we left.