To bring you up to date, dad has had a diagnosis of terminal oesophagal cancer which we were told about on 5th June 2025. Since then I have been taking him to hospital appointments and calling people for him and chasing things as he can't use the phone due to his hearing loss. I have taken time off work and done as much as I can to make things easier for him and Ant, my brother to process everything. Ant has autism and is limited in the amount he can do due to this.
Dad has never been one of those dads which a girl adores, in fact for much of my teenage years I would have told you I felt the absolute opposite. He wasn't a hands on dad and kept himself to himself, leaving my mum to do most of the child raising and emotional stuff. Mum was amazing, but sadly passed away in 1994 with what they said was 'early onset dementia' at the time. Although sometimes some people can be pushed further than a person should ever be pushed and mentally when you are pushed to the limit, something has to give, you begin to shut down. (please read between the lines as to what I am saying here.)
Dad had a stent put in his oesophagus on June 9th (this year) the stent will hold back the cancerous tumour which has spread everywhere and which they cannot treat. At 94 the chemo would make his life hell and so all factors considered a stent to hold back the tumour for now and keep the oesophagus open was the best option. Operating on a 94 year old is also a bad idea.
The hospital gave him tablets to be taken forever to stop the acid reflux as the acid will come up from his stomach and the oesophagus will not work properly due to the stent. He also had to have protein nutritional milkshakes from the doctor as he can't swallow so can't eat properly.
Last week i went round with his grandaughters. the window was open as I walked past and I heard Ant say I was outside. I clearly heard him say 'Oh hell is she?'. I held my tongue on that occasion.
Yesterday I went round to see how he was and to see if he could find his passport and or driving licence and a utility bill as we are getting his will done (he thought he had done one - he had - in about 1975 - so we need to sort a new one). He spent about 30m telling me how both tablets and shakes had run out 2 weeks ago and he had tried to call the chemist as they were meant to be on repeat but the chemist said call the doctor which he had tried numerous times but he couldn't get through and etc etc etc. He was ranting. I told him stop ranting I would sort it tomorrow (today). He also said he needed a bath mat because he was a bit unsteady in the bath. He continued ranting as he was looking for the documents - he went through 3 piles of envelopes on his kitchen table, not letting me help or look through them as 'you won't know where it is.' He churned through the documents all the time loudly complaining how difficult his life was when people always wanted things from him and nobody ever helped him and how things always went missing and he was trying to sort things out. He disappeared upstairs to look, meanwhile I looked in 2 envelopes and found 2 utility bills, took photos for the financial adviser/will maker and stepped outside to breathe and take a moment to avoid insanity. To get outside (3 feet away) I had to step over a huge pile of stuff and push back 3 bags of stuff from behind the door. The hoard and smell is everywhere and I could feel my nose swelling up. Fir those new to this page dad is an extreme hoarder.
The milisecond I got outside, Ant was there asking me what I thought of the Eurovision entry this year and which was my favourite Eurovision song and did I know what the temeperature was going to be this week - (Ant's Autism makes him hyper focus on things - Eurovision and temperature are 2 of those things). I tried to be polite to Ant, answered and asked him to give me a moment. He replied with 'What would you do if you lived here with dad?' My answer was I would have done something rather violent with an axe a LONG time ago.
I said I would come back on Wednesday to give dad time to see if he could find the documents.
Today (Tuesday) I had a day off. I had wanted to do some more writing but had to sort the medication for dad. I rang the doctor who said they had no knowledge of anything from the hospital.
I rang the hospital who said they had the same pc system as the gp and they HAD prescribed a repeat for the shakes and pills on 5th.
I rang the doctor and told them this - they will look into it.
A company rang asking if they could fit a handrail outside his house today - they can't get through to him. I say I will need to see if he is there first I will call them back. He needs to be there.
I call him and can't get through - he probably is outside or can't hear the phone.
I phone the grabrail people back - sorry can't do today as I can't get through to him.
The doctor rang to say they had sorted it... They have a prescription for the items. I say I'll be there within the hour.
I drive to the doctor 20mins away, collect prpescription and go to the chemist. They only have the tablets not the shakes.
I then go to the shop to buy a bathmat (slip-proof for inside the bath) they only have a shower mat - I buy that for the time being and order a bath mat to be collected tomorrow.
I go to another chemist by dad's house for the shakes, they're closed 12.30 - 1.30 (I got there at 1).
I went to Dad's house with one set of pills he has been trying to get for 2 weeks and the bath mat I bought for him. I thought he'd be pleased - silly me!
At his house, I said 'I managed to get your tablets dad.' and put them on the table.
'What's that?' he says
'Your tablets that you've been trying to get for 2 weeks, I sorted it for you.'
'Well I've TOLD you I've called the doctor and they've been looking into it and the chemist need the doctor to send the details over - I TOLD you I was sorting it but it takes time... why don't you ever listen to me?'
'Well Dad I've sorted it and there they are. I've also got you a bathmat you mentioned the other day.'
'Did you get it on prescription?'
'No Dad, I bought it on the way over but it's a shower mat so if it doesn't fit I'll change it.'
'Well a shower one's no good is it?'
'No dad, but it's better than nothing for the time being as I don't want you slipping.'
'Right!' he said 'Well I don't have a bath until Sunday, not like some females who have a shower every day - ridiculous.'
I let that one go. He smells vile but I can't say that and he clearly has no problem with it.
We went upstairs to see if it fit - it didn't as was the wrong shape. 'No worries.' I said 'I'll change it tomorrow.'
'Right'.
'I'll take the prescription for your shakes to your chemist on the way home.' I said, 'they're closed for lunch.'
'Well I could have told you that.' he said irritably. 'There's also someone supposed to be fitting a handrail but I haven't heard from them...'
'Ah.' I said, 'yes they called me this morning and I...'
'What - who called you?'
'The handrail people dad but you di...'
'You never told me!'
'I'm telling you now dad, they called me today and...'
'When did they call? I didn't know they called. I've been waiting for them to call...'
'Dad listen - I'm telling you now...'
'You haven't told me though - this is the first I've heard of it. When are they coming?...'
'Dad, please just listen, they called you first but...'
'They never called - when did they call?'
'This morning dad, I'm trying to tell you...'
'BUT YOU'RE NOT Telling me are you? You're shouting.'
'Because you're not listening dad please just let me finish. They called and...'
'BUT THEY DIDN'T CALL. I never got a call... DAMN YOU GIRL WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO BLOODY ARGUMENTATIVE. YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN BLOODY MINDED AND DAMN ARGUMENTATIVE. IT'S ALWAYS BEEN THE SAME...' He banged his fist on the table and continued yelling.
Note. Not a word of thanks for spending my whole morning making phone calls and driving around, only anger, fury and frustration, taken out on me. I'd like to say I calmly walked away but - I didn't.
I had enough, and snapped, told him a few things I won't repeat and left. I sat in my car howling my eyes out.
His neighbour saw me, a neighbour I know really well and who has said I'm always welcome to come in for a cup of tea if I have spare few moments. I have never needed a cup of tea more in my life. I knocked on their door and they welcomed me in. I howled some more and left there about 45mins later feeling much better. I dropped the 2nd prescription in the chemist and went home and howled some more.
I've written this as I find it cathartic to write. I can't keep repeating this for all my friends and rellies who I know care deeply about me as then it will keep replaying over and over. I have written it and now it's out and I can move on. The next few weeks/months are going to be total hell for me - please be patient with me and please expect me to do a lot more howling at the drop of a leaf. It's how it works.
We will get through this.
xx
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