49) In between funerals, neighbours and discoveries

                                                                    Mum's wedding ring

I've recovered from dad's cremation fairly quickly, although I still have episodes of tears should someone unexpectedly take me aside and ask, genuinely, if I'm OK. My immediate reaction is 'Don't be nice to me...' followed by a flood of tears, which is, with hindsight a bit rude, although those who know me get it and it's all OK.

We had the ashes returned from the crematorium on Monday and I've put him on a shelf for the time being. He'll be put in a casket before the memorial service in a couple of weeks.

I've been going to the house (feels weird calling it that), every other day as I have to keep going and not loose momentum here.  The task is ENORMOUS and I'm the only one driving it forward.

Ant means well and he has a heart of gold but he's never been taught how to clean or tidy or de-clutter. He just doesn't know how. His learning difficulties mean he doesn't retain things. If I see a pile of papers at the far end of a room, I'll climb over to get them. I pick up a few at a time as this involves much reaching over many unstable piles of stuff, lifting and leaning. I will ask Ant to take a pile from me as I lean precariously on one leg holding a heavy pile of papers for him to take from me. He hesitates as if he is waiting to be presented with them, meanwhile my back is about to give out. He finally takes the papers and I turn back to get more. I turn back to pass the papers to him and he is still standing there with the original pile I just gave him in his arms. He needs to be told to put the first pile down and he needs to be told where to put them (there is nowhere to put anything yet). As I turn to pass  him the second pile, I find him still standing with the first pile in his arms. After the 2nd pile, he's wandered off, bored. I later find all the piles in different places so I have to clear them again.

I have found Ant is best at level one clearing - I take a box (there are thousands) and Ant will go through it, taking out all the stuff like newspapers, cereal boxes, old magazines and junk mail. He then filters out the stuff with names and addresses which he keeps in a box for me to take home and sort.

I went to the house with Ant last week after work. The intention was to do a few boxes and leave. The first box was full of the usual junk - mainly letters, newspapers and the odd bit of rubbish and bits in the bottom - paperclips, dust, odd screws, old stamps, a few scrunched up receipts, some crumbs, a few dried peas and an old cork. As I sifted the  remnants of the box, I found a folded brown window envelope. I unfolded it to check, often there's a £5 or a book of old stamps inside. A note written on the outside 'wedding ring for family of ... To be returned to family.' As I opened it, two pieces fell out, both parts of my late mother's wedding ring. The ring had been cut off and given to the family. Dad had put it in an old box. Why he put it there, how he thought he would ever find it again and what he was going to do with it are anyone's guess. 

We've advised Ant to keep going to his workplace for the sake of  his sanity. His workplace is 17miles from home and he has to take three busses there and three busses back. He attends three times a week. He doesn't get paid. he works at a community centre for the disabled. He has to pay to go there.

Ant's working day is therefore made up of a few hours of travel, 2 hours of work and a few hours back. It makes him happy and he has friends there.

When I go to the house to do some tidying, Ant gets very tired of it very quickly.  After about an hour, I'm just getting started and he is ready for a cup of tea/a break/lunch. He says things like 'We've done a good day's work today,' 'we should be proud of ourselves,' I'm worn out,'  'I've been up since 5.30,' 'we need a break,' I won't mind if you want to call it a day now.'

It's SO much easier faster and more productive if I go when Ant is at work.  This means I am alone in the house for many hours.

I have had many offers of help and I've had actual help. Julie, Andrea and Jane - amazing people, what can I say. Thank you - really I am SO very grateful. Yesterday we had clouds and a light breeze for the first time in a very long time and so we started on the garden which is starting to look abandoned. The garden is very important if we want to keep the neighbours happy and stop the place looking as if it is abandoned and attracting the wrong sort...

Andrea and I got sorted with clippers and a green bin. We worked hard. By the end of three hours solid we'd filled three green bins with gardening waste, mainly brambles and shrub clippings. Two of the neighbours allowed us to use their bins. After we'd finished it hardly looked any different :(

We have to wait now for the bins to be emptied so we can do more.