Missing in service... one Henry Hoover

16th September 2013

Where is the hoover?

I had not spoken to Imelda over the weekend.  I thought I would give him time to reflect and do whatever he liked and settle back at home.  I also needed to catch up on my own life which I have neglected somewhat for the past few weeks.  No doubt Oggy and I will be needed next week to provide chauffeur services to take Imelda to the doctor and the carpet shop among, I suspect, many others.

Imelda called me at 7.30pm.  'Do you remember seeing the charger lead for my shaver?' he says

'Er no dad, however, as I have said before, I would not have thrown it out.'

'Well where is it then?'

'Dad, I have no idea, I have tried to keep things in the room they were found.  Try one of the twenty boxes in your bedroom.'

'Well I will look for it but you see, in this scenario 'If in doubt, throw it out' should not apply'

I explained again this had never been my motto and it was more like 'if it is not absolute total and utter junk then keep it.'  As there had been enough total and utter junk to get rid of, this did the job at the time.  The problem was his 'place' for things had been 'on top of the green shirt by the door' - ie on top of a four foot pile of junk which had a green rag shirt somewhere in the vicinity.  Once the four foot pile of junk had gone the shaver plug would have had to go either in a box or in a drawer.  As there was still a huge amount of stuff being kept, it could be anywhere.  bear in mind I had to do the whole house by myself in as little a time as possible.  I had nobody to ask where things should go.

'Also, do you know where the red hoover is?' he said.

'The broken one?' I said - I knew where this was leading.

'Well it was waiting for parts'. said Imelda 'You've thrown it out haven't you?'

'Yes I have' I said - I have decided I am not going to lie about things I have thrown out.  I do not want him to go looking for items which are at the bottom of a council tip.

'Yes, Chris (my brother) said you'd thrown it out.'

I would like to have asked why the hell he asked if he already knew I had thrown it.  Perhaps he is trying to send me on a guilt trip.  If this is the case it is not going to work.  It just serves to wind me up which, it appears is his purpose these days.

'Well until a week ago it was buried under five feet of junk.  You had not used it for years.  Besides, you have the green one which works.'

'Yes but it was waiting for me to get parts' (What? for a hoover! These days getting and fitting parts would cost more than a new basic hoover).

I asked him why he needed a hoover anyway as he only used to have about an inch of floor space in the whole house.  Judging by the amount of dust in there I don't think any hoover had been used in years.  I know there were three in there one of which worked and one which is still buried under the remaining junk.

'Well now the house is clearer I want to keep it that way. Besides we use the hoovers a lot actually - to suck up the moths.'

Seriously  - is he for real?  Sadly he is.  He rang me to have a go for throwing out a broken 23 year old hoover.  I would like to say I let it wash over me but between you and me he winds me up something chronic.

At 8pm he rang again 'I have found the shaver lead' he says.

Well thank goodness, now I can sleep soundly tonight.

'Have you seen my brushes?'

What! His brushes are two round, wooden brushes without handles which he uses both together (one in each hand) to brush his hairs (there are very few).

'Dad, I have no idea where your brushes are.  Why don't you use one of the 20 or so combs I found instead?'

'Well I like to use the brushes you see'.  He says 'you see' a lot - it gets somewhat wearing.

I have unplugged my phone now.  As Imelda is nocturnal I figure it is my safest bet.  He won't call my mobile as it is too expensive.  I have also given him my mobile number on numerous occasions and yet he still does not know what it is or where he has put the note he wrote it on.  He does not have a mobile phone and that is not a bad thing as far as I am concerned.

Goodnight.

Sleep tight - I will :)