What is Silver and Green and Rhymes with 'Bored Crocus'?

A Ford Focus!

13/11/13

I have no idea if hoarding usually extends to cars.  If you have a hoarding tendency do you keep your car clean and tidy because people are far more likely to see it in the car park or do you keep as much junk in your car as you do in your house?

I have read articles which will tell you that the more weight you keep in your car the more fuel the car will use.  I have no doubt this is true although my last car - a Renault Laguna had a huge boot and I used it to store many things.  I had the kid's Christmas presents in it for about a month to stop them finding them.  I had three packets of Galaxy Bites kept in there as my emergency rations - knowing if I took them in the house they would not last the hour.  (Well you never know when you will be caught short where Galaxy Bites are concerned do you?).  I kept my hi viz bike jacket in there and a pair of wellies, a few umbrellas, a storage box, a cushion, a blanket and a bucket.  It was handy.

My current car though is a little teeny weeny RAV 4, 'Oggy' for short.  It is like an overgrown Tonka toy. The boot is slightly smaller than the boot of a Ford KA.  There is just enough room for a lipstick, a packet of Galaxy Bites and a set of jump leads.  No place to store anything.  Imelda has a Ford Focus which has a decent size boot and a lot of 'stuff' in it.  As usual nothing you could describe in a phrase such as 'gardening stuff' or 'golfing stuff' or even 'spare stuff'.  It isn't any one kind of 'stuff'  just 'stuff' in general.  The poor car has been stuck on Imelda's drive since he broke his back as he has not been allowed to drive.  It would appear that shortly they will be allowing him to drive again and so he has had the thing serviced and MOT'd.  For sure the garage saw him coming because they charged him £800 to get the thing through the MOT.  The thing is probably worth £350 tops.  A '52' plate dark green Ford Focus full of junk.  The log book says it is 'silver' but unfortunately it has not been cleaned in a fair while and has grown an interesting layer of wildlife.  Imelda argues this is because his drive is North facing.  I think it needs a scraper rather than a sponge and would benefit from a trip to the car wash.

I remember last summer at 3am one morning I had to take Imeda to Cardiff Airport for his annual jaunt to Benidorm (don’t ask). I had offered to take him as even though Cardiff Airport is actually in Barry, the traffic at that time of day is virtually non-existent so I figured – out, home, back to bed. Simples!

He turned up at my house late, as usual in his green Ford Focus. The car also smells of ‘eau de wet-dog’. What can I say – the thing is bogging and I am glad it was dark. We got to the airport without much ado and I dropped him off. Then the fun started. The airports have now started charging £1 to drop people off. You have to throw your money in a coin bin thingy. Did I have a £1? Did I heck. I had to faff about in the dark looking for change(the inside light was broken). Eventually I had to park the car up and run through the car park in the rain looking like a bedraggled rat until I managed to find someone with change.

I finally left the airport behind someone who was driving what appeared to be a wardrobe on wheels, although I believe it may have been a car. The driver was, unfortunately a member of the ’10mph less (than the speed limit)’ club. Typical, only 2 vehicles on the road that time of day and I am in a 50 having to do 40. On the bike no problem – indicate, check, pull out – gone. Even in Oggy I would have been gone, but in the green Focus I wasn’t going to pull any fancy stuff. All the way from the airport to Cardiff there is a long 50mph road, nice and twisty. This road used to be nice for biking but a few years ago they used this road as an experiment for ‘lets see how many roundabouts we can fit on one stretch of road’ project. I was stuck behind Mr ’10mph less’ who, of course was doing 40, slowing down to 20 for each roundabout. AAArrgghh!

I started getting bored, frustrated and hungry, not a good mix for a tired driver so I looked for a solution. Suddenly, out of the haze, there it was – a huge Tesco Extra. 24hrs. I figured I would lose Mr 10mph below, get a bite to eat and a drink and dammit just for the sake of saying I had been shopping at 4am. I parked the Focus in a dark part of the car park (lest someone see me exit it and think it was mine) and strode into Tesco. I found a bottle of orange juice, a nice croissant and a box of after eights ‘for the journey’. I felt smug as I headed for the only checkout that was open. I smiled at the checkout girl who looked at me strange, ‘she must be bored’ I thought. Then it struck me – I was wearing my penguin pyjamas – in the middle of Tesco.  As if that wasn't bad enough, I was wearing them with cowboy boots!  Heck that is even worse than driving a green Ford Focus! There was a big thing in the papers a year or so back about people shopping in Tesco in Cardiff in their PJs and I remember discussing these ‘disgraceful slobs’ with a few work colleagues.

I made a swift exit and continued home. Back in Cardiff on familiar roads and singing loudly to the Pet Shop Boys (as you do), I saw a bright blue light in my rear view mirror. ‘Aye aye’ I thought, ‘someone’s for it’. Yes they were – flipping me again. Call it bored copperitis or call it me looking somewhat nervous (about being recognised in a green Focus), he pulled me over for a ‘quick chat’. He asked me a few questions as I tried to hide my PJs. After a brief chat he let me go.

Finally I got back home, my penguin PJs smelling nicely of wet-dog and parked Focus a street away where it could wait for the return journey a fortnight later.  After two days I suffered some form of mental loopyitis and decided to wash the thing for him.  Nice sunny day I got out there with the toothbrush and hot soapy car shampoo and the hosepipe. Two hours later I had finished getting the greenery off it.  I then got the polish out and did my very best.  It looked OK.  I was proud of my efforts. During the week I also attacked the inside as well and was rather chuffed with my efforts when I went to collect him from the airport. At 2pm on a bright sunny afternoon the car was gleaming.  Imelda did not even notice!

Now it is green and abandoned again and full of stuff. - Will this happen to the house after I put in so much effort this summer?  We will have to wait and see.