Backstage at the Crematorium.

Is the crematorium the best place to go when you're ill?

I have no idea what it is and trust me you don't want the details but it started last Sunday with a few stomach cramps, since then I have been in bed for what feels like months with a fever. I have no appetite, feel like death and even look forward to going back to work.  

Today I felt a smidgen better and was determined to get out of bed and outside for some fresh air.

I always have loads going on in my diaries, other than work, and thought I should get out perhaps for an hour in an attempt to get back to normal.  In my diary was 'Crematorium - Open Day'.

I've always been an inquisitive type and have always wanted to ask a million questions to someone who works in a crematorium and just de-mystify everything. So after asking the family if they wanted to come with me and being given a series of grunts, a 'what on earth are you going there for?', a snort and an eye roll, I assumed they didn't so I headed off alone.

I did try to make myself look relatively alive before I went although after five days of the trots and no food I have the 'anorexic skeleton' kind of appearance. A bit of slap would have to do - nobody would know me up there so I'd be fine.

Greeted at the door by an enthusiastic young sort who called me 'madam', I was offered a cup of tea which I accepted. As I was the only one there I grilled him on a few questions and he was happy to answer. Standing in the sunlight on a warm summer day after a night of rain, surrounded by beautiful flowers and lots of grass could be seen as the perfect environment. Not so, he said, on a dark winter evening with a damp mist outside...

I thought it may be a decent alternative to those who had lost the will to live after working in a call centre - at least the customers don't give you any hassle at all.  Apparently their relatives do though.

After nipping outside for some fresh air, I joined the tour - ours was a group of ten.  We were taken straight through the chapel where the cremation services are done. I have been to a few cremation services there including my mum and remember seeing the bit at the front where the coffin lies with the curtains around. The curtains are silently drawn around the coffin at the end of the service and remain drawn. I can't remember whether the curtains are then drawn back again right at the end revealing a space where the coffin was. Either way - where did it go? Was it straight into the bowels of a hot fire? Was it done by machine? Did someone put it on a sideboard until they'd finished lunch? Was it tipped in? was it feet first?

At the back, we were led behind the curtains. The guide (a crematorium worker) kept looking at me strangely which was somewhat unnerving, but I followed the others into a short adjoining room with a few long trolleys in and a staff only door and then through into a big modern and airy warehouse type room with a mezzanine. In front of us were three furnaces, one large and two small. The large door was opened and we were allowed to look in. The coffin goes in, head first, straight from the wheeled trolley by a slow wheeled system - so no jolting about. Each furnace is brick lined and looks rather like a kiln. At a guess the largest was about 4ft wide by about 3.5ft high. At the far end, top is a huge fire blower type thing which provides the heat and there are air flows along the sides.  Once the coffin is in the temperature is set by computer next to the door, the door firmly closed and the process begins. temperatures are from 750 - 800 degrees and the process takes about 90 minutes. There is a tiny view hole so they can see if the timing needs adjusting.

Larger people take less time to complete the process than smaller people - they didn't know why.

After the process is finished, the remains, which are by now just charred bones, are raked out and at the front is a chute, a box is placed underneath and everything goes into it. At this stage it is extremely hot and is left to cool for a few hours. It may be fast cooled at this stage if the ashes are needed quickly.

Next on the tour we were taken to the next stage which is a macerator type machine with metal balls and chains. All false metal hips and joints etc are removed at this point as they would damage the machine along with coffin handles and screws. I believe the metal bits are all given to a recycling metal merchant and the money is given to local charities. Apparently all gold rings melt away in the furnace along with false teeth, fillings and false eyes etc. The coffin will have burned away too.

Bones are then put through the macerator which grinds them into a gravelly substance. As there were ten in the group and the room was only small, we all gathered around the perimeter of the room which was floor to ceiling with filing boxes on shelves.  We leaned against these as we watched the guide show us how the macerator worked. The guide then said. 'Once this process is completed, the remaining substance - what are known as ashes or remains, are then put on the shelves behind you to await further instruction'.  I eyed the boxes I had been leaning my head against nervously and swiftly moved away.

Some are here for less than an hour while some on the top shelf have been here years while the family decide what to do with them or until their affairs are tied up.  There was a desk in the room although I'm not sure I would be  happy working at that desk in the office on my own at night with 200 or so ex-people in there with me.

Later our guide said to me 'Do you work in (my store)?' He said he was trying to remember where he knew me from - apparently they buy all their supplies there. (So that's why he was looking at me - not because I looked like a zombie).

On a table was a selection of things taken out of the macerator - a few hip joints and (what looked like) a vertibrae or two. We were able to pick these up. I picked up a hip joint which a very hefty and heavy metal ball thing on a right angle to a spike. It was a bit dusty so I didn't hold it for too long!

All the heat from the furnaces could be recycled into local schools and similar but people aren't happy and don't like the idea because of the nature of it's source. Words such as 'Ghoulish' and 'Disrespectful' have been used. This is such a shame as we need to recycle whatever we can and is such a waste of potential energy. Personally I think it's a great idea and can't understand the problem - if it's lack of education as to how it would be used and to reassure people it won't contain bits of uncle Herbert then that surely is the way forward.

After the tour we were shown to a trade show from local suppliers from funeral plans to caskets, coffin manufactures with catalogues all types of coffins from walnut and oak to the wicker and chipboard. There were coffins you could have with designs on the outside - like Thomas the Tank engine to a Fairy one.  Personally I liked one which had a picture of a snowy woodland or another one of snowy mountains.  Some people spend vast amounts on coffins which in my view is a shame as they all go in the furnace. There are also various containers which you can have your ashes put in to take home so you can scatter them as you see fit. Containers can also have pictures on of various designs. They are either in a tube or a box depending on preference.

There was a lot to think about - even a service where you can chose your own EVERYTHING and pay for it now so it's all done. Not sure I am ready for that quite yet though.